The expression “love is blind” rings true in many ways — but when it comes to managing finances as a couple, ignorance is far from bliss.
A recent poll conducted by Ipsos on behalf of Simplii and CIBC shows that 38 per cent of Canadians say money is a major source of stress in their relationship. Another poll conducted for BMO shows that spending is a source of conflict for one in three partnered Canadians, with 36 per cent admitting that they’re not always truthful with their partner about finances.
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Experts say transparency, honesty and healthy communication are crucial when it comes to avoiding conflict over money with a significant other.
“The biggest mistakes couples make centre around a lack of open and respectful communication,” says Alexandra Boland, financial planner at Caring for Clients in Toronto. “It’s good to understand where each partner is starting from as early on in a relationship as possible.”
For Holly and Greg Corbett, both 36, conversations about money began during the first few months of their relationship when they started dating 12 years ago.
Greg, a senior manager of retention and membership at Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, wanted to keep their honeymoon phase alive, but figured the relationship would have a better chance of lasting if they were honest about money up front. “And if it doesn’t work because you’re not aligned with your values and goals, then maybe it’s not meant to be in the end,” he says.
Holly felt the same way, adding, “I’ve always been a fan of the rip-off-the-Band-Aid approach.”
Don’t wait to talk money
Unlike Holly and Greg, most coupled Canadians avoid discussing money until much later. The BMO survey showed that one in three say the conversation shouldn’t happen until a couple is planning on living together.
Greg and Holly set themselves up for success by having early conversations around money, says Natasha Knox, financial planner at Alaphia Financial Wellness in Vancouver. “Once you’re starting to think that this is your person, the conversations need to get a little bit more specific,” Knox says. If you’re carrying debt or other financial responsibilities, you should disclose that to your partner before even discussing moving in together, she says.
Holly recalls her first conversation with Greg about money as enlightening. “We said, ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,’ ” she says, referring to their bank accounts.
Holly, a product marketing manager at Intuit for QuickBooks, was instantly inspired by the way Greg was saving for the future. At the time, she had a good credit score and no debt, but she was more frivolous with spending, like her $2 morning coffees. Greg helped her realize that one small daily cost added up to $730 a year. His influence around saving quickly rubbed off on Holly: “He helped me become better with my own finances.”
Greg’s non-judgmental approach and Holly’s openness were a great match. Knox says conflict often occurs when couples’ financial values don’t align. “Usually there’s a mismatch of what one considers important,” she says. For example, one partner might want to spend on an expensive gaming hobby while the other wants to save for travel.
Once they knew their goals were aligned, Holly and Greg moved in together, eight months after they met. Before getting married, they opened a joint bank account to save for big financial goals, including their 2017 wedding and the Oakville house they bought in 2018.
Sharing an account made sense for the Corbetts’ shared goals, but Boland says joint banking isn’t essential to proper money management as a couple. Establishing a joint chequing account where all the money is pooled to pay for shared expenses (mortgage, groceries, children) may work best. “Or you can divide and conquer and say, ‘I’ll take care of these expenses, you take care of those,’” Boland says, adding that transparency and communication about cash-flow management is important either way.
For couples that manage their finances separately, Knox says transparency is especially key. It’s crucial to talk about spending and ensure you both agree and consent to the financial plans you make.
Being unclear about expectations can lead to conflict, says Aseel El-Baba, financial therapist at Conscious Economics in Toronto. She points to a situation where a client shared a joint account with her husband while they maintained individual accounts separately. Because she didn’t know how he was using his own account, it created friction. “That kind of mystery can erode trust and stability,” El-Baba says. “Honesty is a foundational value for any healthy long-term relationship.”
Schedule your money dates
Greg and Holly review their finances regularly, with a standing calendar date on the first Sunday of every month. “Holly does a great job creating a monthly budget review and we manage everything together,” Greg says. While their five-year-old daughter is playing or sleeping, Greg and Holly sit down for an hour to look back at what was spent during the previous month, examining every expense from property tax to Tim Hortons coffees. “It keeps us in check. We can question each other on certain expenses, learn from it, and then try to plan ahead a little bit more.”
El-Baba often advises her own clients to schedule regular “money dates.” Remember to plan the conversation ahead of time instead of springing the topic of money on them. “That way, you’re both showing up to the conversation knowing what to expect and ready to discuss it,” El-Baba says. It doesn’t have to be stressful, either. Set the tone for a calming atmosphere — get comfortable and make a pot of coffee.
During any discussion about spending, it’s important to focus on what you’re concerned about rather than attacking your partner’s character, El-Baba says. Focusing on the problem versus the person helps you see yourself as a team tackling a problem together.
If you’ve noticed that spending is starting to increase, for example, Knox says to frame the conversation around your shared goals. If you’re saving to go to Europe together but keep spending at the same rate, it might end up being a local road trip.
Holly says she and Greg approach their financial conversations from a place of love. “There are no fingers pointed,” she says, which makes them both feel safe to speak freely. Their conversations about money aren’t limited to one Sunday a month, either.
If they’re considering a major purchase, such as the car they recently bought, Holly and Greg spend a lot of time discussing it. “We’re not impulsive,” she says. “If there’s a big financial decision to be made, we’ll go on lunch walks and talk about it, and we’ll loop in friends and family to get their perspective.”
El-Baba agrees that discussing money is indeed vulnerable, and it’s not always an easy conversation to start. Seek help if you need it, whether you enlist a money coach, a therapist or a financial planner. “An objective third party can help facilitate these conversations,” she says.
Boland says reading the same books about money management as a couple can also create a nice opportunity to discuss money, especially if you’re not used to talking about it together.
Greg emphasizes the importance of being honest about financial issues and goals up front. “Otherwise, you’re going to punt the problem down the road, and it’s going to become an issue later.” Holly agrees, adding that being vulnerable can encourage your partner to do the same. “No one is perfect,” she says. “Generally a partner is not going to flee if they see the potential in you. And as long as you want to work together, you can really grow.”
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